The Fairly Stupid Tales of Super WuMan
by Rodaine Rodune
Summary: What do you get when you mix a spork, a life long dream to become a man, and Wufei?....Maybe it's better not to ask, take a look for yourself...R
1. Chapter 1

**The Fairly Stupid Tales of Super Wu-Man**

  
OPUS. Once upon a time-in a far away land-lived a little boy-  
WUFEI. Who the hell are you?  
OPUS. ...Opus...Opus Din...  
WUFEI. LIAR...*conspiratorially* You're a nymphomaniac from Czechoslovakia who wants to rape me with an iron spatula and a Phillips head #3 special grip series screwdriver from Home Depot!  
OPUS. Right...anywa-  
WUFEI. Hahaha...you are weak, Din! I know your secret plot now because of your weakness! Hehehe...Hahaha...Muhahaha!  
OPUS. O.~... Please just call me Opus. It is Opus, and I am trying to tell a story...  
WUFEI. That's what you want us to think, Din! *pause* O.O A story?! Yes, yes! Oh, do tell. *grabs teddy bear, blanket, and pulls Opus over to a conveniently located fireplace.*  
OPUS. *Puts on an expensive maroon robe and pink bunny slippers as he lights up a pipe* Let's begin once more...Once upon a ti-  
WUFEI. YAY!!! *squeezes teddy so hard, its tiny marble eyes bulge*  
OPUS. I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET, YOU IMBECILE!!! *kicks Wufei into fire* Now where was I...ah, yes, of course.  
WUFEI. Umm...Din...This sorta hurts...  
OPUS. SHUT UP OR I WON'T TELL YOU THE STORY!!! *his eyes bulge as well*  
WUFEI. Oh, all right...but my skin is starting to melt off...  
OPUS. Let's just start the story...*opens an old dusty book and begins to read aloud*  
  


~-~-~-~-~  
**Chapter 1**

  
  
OPUS. Okay, the first story we will be reading is 'Wufei and The Radioactive Pickle.' It all started when-  
WUFEI. There is no such thing as radioactive pickles, Din.  
OPUS. *Slaps Wufei* Do You Ever Shut Up?!  
WUFEI. *Reflectively* No...But that's not the point! I have never heard of or seen a radioactive pickle...*pause*...I have heard of a radioactive spork, though...  
OPUS. Fine then! *Through gritted teeth* The first story we will be reading is 'Wufei and the Radioactive Spork.'  
WUFEI. Of course, they are quite uncommon, too, but the-  
OPUS. *Hits Wufei with a golf club* CAN IT!!!  
  


~-~-~-~-~  
**Wufei and the Radioactive Spork**

  
  
OPUS. Once upon a time, five somewhat good friends were making their semi-daily trip to Taco Bell after a long day's work at Fropez's Spiffy Lube. As ex-gundam pilots, these young men (and extremely annoying woman), are highly skilled mechanics.  
HEERO. Trowa...stop licking the dashboard.  
TROWA. But Heero-chan...*puppy dog eyes*  
RELENA. TROWA!!! I am the ONLY ONE who refers to MY HE-CHAN like THAT!!! DO NOT EVER- EVER, NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN!!! *her vein pops and she violently shakes on the car floor*  
EVERYONE. O.o  
OPUS. The car stops in front of the GWing Pilot's favorite restaurant and they all climb out the driver seat window before frolicking into the fast-food joint.  
DUO. *Cringing on the floor* The voices...The voices are everywhere!  
OPUS. I'll give you a Pokemon if you SHUT UP!  
DUO. Okay, Master Voicee. *Starts singing* I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was! To catch them is my real test! To train them is my cause...*grabs cashiers microphone* POKEMON!!! GOTTA CATCH'EM ALL!!! POKEMON!!!  
OPUS. ENOUGH!!!  
DUO. *Cringes again* Yes, Master Voicee...  
OPUS. My name is Opus, Opus Din!  
DUO. O-op-op-opu-opus...D-d-din?  
OPUS. Very Good! You get a cookie!  
DUO. YAY! Is it sprinkles or chocolate chip?  
HEERO. *Looking around quizzically* Duo, who are you talking to? TROWA! Stop licking things!  
TROWA. *Discontinues in sucking the ketchup dispenser* I sorry, He-chan...  
RELENA. *From outside* TROWA BARTON!!!  
TROWA. *Bows head* I sorry, Relena...  
WUFEI. *mumbling*...weak onna...  
TROWA. What was that?! I heard you say something!  
OPUS. Trowa leaps at Wufei, but Wufei is much faster than Trowa, and Trowa ends up flying through a window just as-  
TROWA. Woo-Woo, hold on a sec! I haven't jumped at Wufei yet or flown through a window.  
OPUS. *All frustrated and what not* You were supposed to...Look, it's in the script *hands Trowa a script.*  
TROWA. *Pulls tiny pair of glasses from shirt pocket and begins to read*...hmm...jump at Wufei...through window...bleed profusely...*hands back script and replaces glasses* Fine...I'll do it. *Jumps at Wufei in blind rage, misses, and flies through window*  
EVERYONE. O.o  
OPUS. ...Okay...let's try starting again-  
DUO. *Innocently* But you promised to give me a Pokemon!  
OPUS. Grrr...afterwards, Duo, afterwards...  
DUO. 'Kay! *hugs himself*  
OPUS. ~.~' Right...ahem...Now each pilot was forced to pay individually due to their lack in cash. Heero ordered his usual taco salad first and proceeded to save seats for the others. Quatre followed, his mouth stuffed deep with a chicken Gordita. Duo was quite pleased with the cookie I gave him and decided not to order.   
DUO. Thank You!  
OPUS. Umm...your welcome...Wufei was next. He chose only a cup of refried beans because he felt the prices were to high.  
WUFEI. INJUSTICE, I tell you! It's all a conspiracy!  
OPUS. ...err...and Trowa finished off the train of friends with two soft tacos and a cup of beans as well. There was one small problem though...  
WUFEI. Damn! I forgot to get a spoon...*to everyone*...excuse me...  
HEERO. Oh, while your up, can you get me some salsa? Mild will do fine, thank you.  
QUATRE. Mph-hm-phm-sphm *gulp* Fire for me!  
DUO. I want a pony!!!  
EVERYONE. O.o  
DUO. *Quietly* ...nevermind...  
TROWA. I need a spoon, too. If you don't mind...  
WUFEI. I'm not you all's slave; get your own! *walks towards condiments*   
HEERO. *when Wufei was out of hearing* Baka...  
OPUS. Unknown to the unsuspecting Wufei was that no spoon was to be found in the viscidity of that Taco Bell. The only utensil available was the sterile, individually wrapped, spork...  
WUFEI. *Holding up spork still in wrapper* What the hell is this?!  
OPUS. Also unknown to the unsuspecting-  
WUFEI. Will you stop being so redundant!  
OPUS. ...okay...Even after careful examination, the unaware pilot was still clueless of what the package contained. For in its vacuum-sealed wrapper, a rare form of radioactive fungus (Radioactivus Fungusus) grew...   
QUATRE. But didn't you just say it was sterile?  
OPUS. SHHH! *looks around to make sure no one else noticed* Finally, convinced that this strange exotic spoon-fork was safe, Wufei sat back down.  
WUFEI. *To himself* Definitely an American invention...  
OPUS. As he tore of the wrapping, Wufei comes to realize it was produced in China, his birthplace.  
WUFEI. INJUSTICE!!! *begins beating the crap out of the all-American Duo*  
OPUS. Suddenly, the spork begins to glow and lifts off the table. All of time freezes as, strangely, it speaks to Wufei.  
SPORK. *Echoing deep voice* Wufei...Wufei...I am your father...  
WUFEI. *Soap Opera like music plays in background as he falls to his knees. It begins to rain* NOOOOOO!!!  
SPORK. Actually, I'm here to grant you a wish.  
WUFEI. *Everything stops: rain and music* Oh...okay...Wait a second! This is all a trick!! Another conspiracy!!! THE AMERICANS ARE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!  
SPORK. Umm...no...  
WUFEI. *Confused* The universe?  
SPORK. ~.~' ...I just wanted to grant you a wish, that's all.  
WUFEI. Oh...I see...  
OPUS. Wufei sits down and begins to think of something to wish for: a mansion, a car, money, more shoes...but he finally comes to the decision of...   
WUFEI. *Proudly* I want to become a man!  
SPORK. *Pause* ...umm...Aren't you already?  
WUFEI. Hold on, lemme check...*checks*...oh...then how about a super-man?!  
SPORK. Your wish is my command!  
OPUS. The forkish spoon begins to dance crazily in midair, all the while chanting a loony verse.  
SPORK. God of Beans, God of Pork! God of Rice, Listen to Spork! Bless this child with your can, Turn him into SUPER WU-MAN!!!  
OPUS. A clap of thunder and a brilliant flash! Wufei finds himself garbed in purple and orange striped spandex, a gray cape flapping down to his high-heeled heels. An 'SWM' is crudely embroidered into his tin foil chest plate...the spork had vanished.  
EVERYONE. O.O!!!  
WUFEI. *In a baritone voice* I AM SUPER WU-MAN-MAN-MAN-MAN-MAN...  
EVERYONE. O.o  
WUFEI. Fear not citizens! I, Super Wu-Manmanmanmanman, who's true identity, Wufei, is unknown to everyone, shall protect you, the citizens, from the many faces of INJUSTICE!!! Hi-Ho Magik Cape(tm)!!!  
OPUS. Wufei...er....Super Wu-Man pulls his cape around him and slinks out the door.  
EVERYONE. ~.~  
QUATRE. Speak up, I'm blind...  
OPUS. How will Super Wu-Man protect the innocent citizens from injustice? Will he be able to help cure Quatre's blindness so that he can hear once more? Tune in next time for...hold on a second, that's not right! Speak up, I'm blind?!...Nevermind...Tune in next time for Super Wu-Man!!!  
  


~-~-~-~-~

  
  
OPUS. So did you like it Wufei?  
WUFEI. ...  
OPUS. Wufei?  
WUFEI. ...Super Wu-Man?  
OPUS. Yes, Wufei, Super Wu-Man.  
WUFEI. I wonder who he really is...  
OPUS. o.O  
WUFEI. Don't look at me like that!  
OPUS. Good Night...*under his breath*...baka  
WUFEI. WHAT WAS THAT?!?!  
OPUS. Oh...nothing. *leaves room*  
WUFEI. ...Maybe it's Duo...  



	2. Commercial 1

**Commercial Break**

  
  
*Duo stands solemnly under a spotlight, Quatre's voices echoes aloud*  
  
QUATRE. Does your ass smell of Soy Sauce and Cream of Tartar?  
DUO. *Nods*  
QUATRE. Is your ass crusted with what looks like soggy corn flakes?   
DUO. *Checks*...*Nods*  
QUATRE. Then you should try...*drum roll* Dr. J's BUTT FLOSS!!!  
DUO. *Gasps and covers mouth with hands*  
QUATRE. Yes, with this revolutionary new design, you can easily and swiftly wipe clean your rump without pain or problem.  
DUO. *Grabs box of floss and does Vanna White pose*  
QUATRE. Tired of nasty rashes and chafing?  
DUO. *Rubs his rear as he nods*  
QUATRE. Don't give into those cheap, copycat brands that scar your cheeks and don't work; use DR. J's BUTT FLOSS!  
  
*Scene cuts to Hilde who is holding up a box of floss*  
  
HILDE. Before, I used Zech's Floss, but it would always make me bleed and scream leaving humonguous scabs which made it quite difficult for Duo to-  
DUO. HILDE!!!  
HILDE. Err...nevermind...Now I use Dr. J's and I feel great! *Does a very exaggerated peace sign* Thanks, Dr. J's Butt Floss; Your the Best!!!   
  
*cuts back to Duo*  
  
QUATRE. And now it can work for you, too, in our special offer! You can receive not one...not two...but THREE boxes for nine ninety-seven by calling 1-800-MY-ASSES. One of our friendly service operators will take your call.  
  
*Corny jingle plays as Duo recites the disclaimer*  
  
DUO. *In a deep voice* Not suitable for children over the age of six. Ask your doctor if Dr. J's Butt Floss is right for you. You should not use our product if you are pregnant, mentally ill, or socially challenged. Our company is not responsible for dog bites, sprained ankles, bee stings, vomiting, lightning strikes, rain, rough seas, car accidents, hurricanes, hail, Heero's Siamese, flying objects, bleeding, broken bones, broken hearts, black eyes, taxes, sewage, and my six legged, twenty-two and three quarter toed, autistic, deaf, blind, mute, six-year-old, purple mongoose during the usage of our product. Use at your own risk. Not sold in stores. For external use only. Use as directed. FDHPQCB tested. Safety approved. Side effects include fever, runny nose, diarrhea, corns, hepatitis C, rashes, drowsiness, constipation, and fatigue.   
QUATRE. Now back to your feature presentation...  
  
______________________  
At least until I type up the  
next chapter...*sigh*... 


	3. Chapter 2

_A/N: In this chapter I am poking a little fun into the Catholic Church and some current problems they are going through. I, myself, am a follower of Christ and I hope that I do not offend anyone. If you feel this would be sacreligious, please don't read._  
  


**Chapter 2**

  
  
OPUS. Welcome back to The fairly Stupid Tales of...umm...Wufei...where did you get those scissors?  
WUFEI. *Grins psychotically* Duo's underwear drawer...Muha...Muhaha...Muhahahahahahahaha!!!  
OPUS. I suggest that you put them away before Duo finds out or you-  
WUFEI. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! DAMNIT!!!  
OPUS. ~.~ ...before you stab yourself with them...come here.  
WUFEI. *Walks over to Opus, a pair of children's safety scissors jabbed into his left hand* sniff...sniff...  
OPUS. *Grabs hold of scissors* On the count of three...one...tw-  
WUFEI. WAIT!!! ...will it hurt?  
OPUS. ~.~' ...possibly...one...two...thre-  
WUFEI. HOLD ON!!! ...will I bleed?  
OPUS. ...you're already bleeding...  
WUFEI. Oh...okay then...pull....Except, I wanna count, okay?  
OPUS. Sure...whatever.  
WUFEI. ...When do I start?  
OPUS. Now  
WUFEI. Oh...Now? OPUS. YES, GODDAMNIT, NOW!!!   
WUFEI. ...here goes nothin'...one...two...two...umm...er...  
OPUS. Three, Wufei.  
WUFEI. Ohhh...THREE!!!  
OPUS. ~.~  
WUFEI. O.O  
OPUS. O.o  
WUFEI. ^.^  
OPUS. What's so exciting?  
WUFEI. *Holds his hand up to his face. One eye stares gleefully through the bloody hole* oooOOOooo...Hahaha  
OPUS. ...let's just start the chapter...  
WUFEI. I see you, Dinny!!!  
  


**~-~-~-~-~  
Super Wu-Man Goes to Church**

  
  
OPUS. Today we find Wufei-  
WUFEI. AHEM!!!  
OPUS. ...er...I mean we find Super Wu-Man crouching beneath a bush in front of a fairly large building...  
WUFEI. *Like Mojo Jojo* This is the secret base of OZ as Noin specified. Since this, the secret base of OZ, is specified by Noin that it, the secret base of OZ, is the secret base of OZ. I, Super Wu-Manmanmanmanman, shall destroy it, the secret base of OZ, because it is the secret base of OZ specified by Noin as the Secret Base of OZ. Thus it, the secret base of OZ, is no longer secret since the once-secret base of OZ specified by Noin to be the secret base of OZ will be soon destroyed by me, Super Wu-Manmanmanmanman...BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
OPUS. Unknown to Super Wu-Man, however, he had missed his true destination by three blocks and was, unfortunately, now standing before St. Chester Snapdragon McSpinbuckets Holy Apostolic Cathedral of Jehovah-en Latter Day Saints of Jesus Christ Obligation Congregation....  
WUFEI. Now I, Super Wu-Manmanmanmanman, must discover a way to sneak into the not-so-much-secret base of OZ specified by Noin as the no-longer-secret base of OZ...But how?  
OPUS. As Super Wu-Man concocted a plan involving his katanas, a rotten artichoke, and a wooden spoon, a rabid mongoose, that nested in an overhanging tree, was stalking him...slowly, it approached....and-  
MONGOOSE. *chomp*  
WUFEI. AHHHHHHH!!! GODDAMNIT!!!! SOMETHING BIT MY ASS!!!!  
PRIEST. Shame on you! Using the Lord's name in vain!!! Cometh, you must repent!  
OPUS. The priest drags the cursing super hero into the cathedral and sits him in a pew occupied by a few elderly women and a drunken hobo. As the service begins, Super Wu-Man whips out his...Handy-Dandy Notebook...and begins to take notes.  
WUFEI. *As he writes thus* Dear Diary, today was a lovely day. *scribble-scribble* I bought a new set of Scooby-Doo print pajamas and a hose...but I won't go into details. *scribble-scribble* Not to my assignment, I seem to be in the not-so-much-secret-anymore base of OZ specified by Noin. *scribble* It appears to be the briefing room for their plans and I believe one will begin quite- *scribble-scribble-snap* DAMN PENCIL!!!  
CONGREGATION. SHHHHHHHH!!!  
WUFEI. ~.~ They seem to be unaware of my presence do to my Magik Cape(tm)...dun-dun-dun...that turns me invisible when no one is looking *shifty eyes*. There are many children and...what's this...there is a cross in front of the meeting area with what looks like...Heero! Heero nailed to a cross?! *reflectively* Actually it's kinda funny....Now they're reciting some chant in a foreign language...."Dona Nobis Pacem"...it must mean...Kill All Pilots...INJUSTICE!!! INHUMANITY!!!  
CONGREGATION. O.o  
PRIEST. *Frustrated* Sir, umm...what is your name?  
WUFEI. *Thinks...evil grin* Vissmee...  
PRIEST. Sir Vissmee, please be-  
WUFEI. *horrifically* AHHH!!! This priest wants me to service him! GAY!!! PERVERT!!! SEXUAL HARRASMENT!!! RAPE!!! RAPE!!! INCEST!!!  
CONGREGATION. O.O  
PRIEST. ...shh....*to another priest* I thought you said our little secret wouldn't get out...  
PRIEST-2. *shrugs* I didn't tell him.  
PRIEST. Fine...but we are through...I'll take care of this myself...*to Wufei* Young Man! Come here and show reverence to our Savior.  
WUFEI. ...okay...*struts up to the cross*...Now what?  
PRIEST. ...show reverence...  
WUFEI. Umm...okay...oh, what the heck! *rubs Jesus' tummy*  
EVERYONE. O.O  
OPUS. Suddenly, a small speck of dust falls from Jesus' kneecap and lands smack dab in the center of Super Wu-Man's eye causing him to thrash around wildly with his katanas.  
WUFEI. GAH!!! I shall not be destroyed by your evil dust! Rather, I shall destroy you with my invisible blind third eye located on my left nipple!!! *rips off shirt and begins cutting random things apart* Finally I, Super Wu-Manmanmanmanman, will destroy the secret base of OZ specified by-  
NOIN. *from inside Wufei's pocket* Wufei, where the hell are you?!  
WUFEI. *stops and yells into a Fisher-Price walkie-talkie* MY NAME IS SUPER WU-MANMANMANMANMAN!!!  
NOIN. ...*pause*...right...Super Wu-Man, where the hell are you?!  
WUFEI. At the secret base of OZ you specified.  
EVERYONE. ~.~'  
NOIN. Umm...ask someone what the address is.  
WUFEI. Hey, Pervert!!! Where am I?  
PRIEST. *mumbling* ...how did he know...that deacon must have told him....oh! er...2914 Trinity Court.  
WUFEI. O.O ...oh...*In a baritone voice* I seem to have mistaken the place in which I was to visit...I apologize for any damages...I'm off!!! *Throws cape over his head and begins singing theme song* Dun-na-nu-na-nu-na-nu-na-nu-na-nu-na-nu Super Wu-Man! Hi-Ho Magik Capetm! WOOSH!!! *runs out*  
NOIN. ~.~' I need a vacation....  
  


**~-~-~-~-~**

  
  
WUFEI. But I don't wanna!  
OPUS. *Fighting with Wufei, trying to put a bandage on his hand* You need to see the doctor!  
WUFEI. But I like my boo-boo!  
OPUS. STOP WHINING!!!  
WUFEI. But I'm not whining!  
OPUS. Yes, you are!  
WUFEI. Na-uh!  
OPUS. Ya-huh!  
WUFEI. Na-uh!  
OPUS. Ya-huh!  
WUFEI. Ya-huh!  
OPUS. Na-uh!  
WUFEI. Ya-huh!  
OPUS. NO!!! You are not whining and that's final! ...O.O...wait....  
WUFEI. Hahaha! I knew you'd see it my way, Dinny. G' night, Onna!  
OPUS. ~.~'...I need an aspirin.   
  
_____________________________  
This wasn't as good as the first but  
I still liked it a lot...all I have to say   
is nothing beats St. Chester   
Snapdragon McSpinbuckets Holy   
Apostolic Cathedral of Jehovah-en   
Latter Day Saints of Jesus Christ   
Obligation Congregation!!! Wahoo!  
  
.:Nigeru Usotachi:.  
RR 


	4. Commercial 2

_A/N: This commercial contains content of a sick nature. If the idea of Flavored Tampons offends you, please skip this commercial!!!_   
  
**

Commercial Break

**  
*RELENA. Tired of ordinary tampons designed for a virgin?   
HEERO. Relena...   
RELENA. Tired of them slipping out and making it appear that you have male genitalia?   
HEERO. Relena!   
RELENA. SHUT UP, SIT DOWN, AND LET ME DO MY COMMERCIAL!!!!   
HEERO. ...   
RELENA. ...Where was I...ah, yes! Then try Lady Une's Flavored Tampons!!! *an invisible crowd cheers in background*  
HEERO. I really don't need to hear this...*begins to walk out*  
RELENA. He-Chan! You sit your ass down before I SHOVE ONE UP IT!!!   
HEERO. *sits cautiously, guarding rear with hand*  
RELENA. Now where was I before we were rudely interrupted...Lady Une's Flavored Tampons are easy to use and taste great. Right, Sally Po?   
SALLY. That's right, Relena! They come in an assortment of awesome-possum flavors including...*screen begins to scroll the names*...Plastic, MolASSES, Very Berry, Cunty Candy, Peelime Pie, Blueberry Splash, Pineapple Pus, cuCUMber, Weetermelon, CocoaNut, Rainblow, Penis Colada, Bloody Mary, VegiVaginaMen, and, of course everyone's favorite, Original!!   
WUFEI. ...Original...Woman, you're perverted...   
SALLY. ...well...   
RELENA. Anyways...It's simple to use! Just suck on it till the color disappears, then pop it right in! It will expand instantly to your size!   
HEERO. *gag-heave* I think I'm gonna be-  
RELENA. Lady Une's Flavored Tampons are fairly priced, too!   
SALLY. That's right! You can get your own package of fifty regulars, flavor of your choice, for not 30, not 20, not 10, but for five dollars and ninety-nine cents!   
RELENA. And as a special bonus, if you call our ordering hotline in under ten minutes, you will receive a FREE econo-size shit-aw-clit flavored tampon courtesy of Hernon-non-non-non Janitorial and Abortion Services Inc. That's a fifty dollar value! So call 1-800-A-TAMPON; our operators are standing by!   
WUFEI. *throws up*  
HEERO. *faints*  
SALLY. Brought to you by Maria Gross Pharmaceuticals and Microphones. Not tested on humans. In experimental stages only. Side effects include diarrhea, herpes simplex, constipation, running nose, migraines, Acid Reflux Disease, Syphilis, and Stigmata. Not meant for children over the age of twelve. Not sold in stores. Flavors are limited. Federal Period Society tested. Results vary. 


End file.
